Archive for the ‘Humorous’ Category

So, you want to build a Roman Onagertm? Tired of not being able to get through that small pile of wood on the way to the shop? Sick of being terrorised by sandcastles that choke the beach? Want to show the guys in the office who’s really boss? Well today is your lucky day!

Following my easy 17-step guide, you could be in possession of one of the fiercest siege weapons of the Roman era. Rome may have not been built in a day, but it could’ve been torn down again just as quick thanks to this wonderful piece of engineering. Now you can bask in the glory, knowing that anyone who crosses you will get a pathetically small stone in the face.

Prepare yourself:

Step 1: Pre-Order the Collector’s Edition of Total War: Rome II, by Creative Assembly. It retails at about £109.99. If you didn’t pre-order the game, build a time machine and go back in time, so you can pre-order it.

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Step 2: Have an argument with your girlfriend about how you spent £110 on a videogame. You won’t win, but there’s nothing she can really do about it now, is there?

Step 3: Open the box containing the Authentic Roman Onager(tm), and spread out the pieces, revelling in the task that is before you.

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Step 4: Realise that you can’t see any instructions, then begin a frantic search for them. Scratching your head and fiddling with your beard is advisable. If you don’t have a beard – grow one, and then return to this step.

Step 5: Sigh in relief as you realise they were actually stored under the cardboard holders that held the collector’s edition’s bits and bobs. Make a mental note to play a game of Tabula later, using the game board that appears to line the inside of the case.

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Step 6: Stop your girlfriend, who in the intervening time between Step’s 3 and 6, has proclaimed that she doesn’t need instructions and has been trying to assemble it without you.

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Step 7: Lay out the Catapult Frame. Pulling the centre rope tight, insert the front and rear cross member’s, making sure the rear cross member has the indent facing towards the sky/ceiling/you. The throwing ‘spoon’ is meant to rest in the indent later.

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Step 8: Insert the upper posts, and then insert the upper post cross member into the slots. It should fit flush. If not, you used a wrong piece in step 7. Give up on life and just walk away.

Step 9: Take a moment to consider whether or not you should be using glue, as there appears to be a sizable amount but so far no indication as to when it’s used. Ultimately decide against it, and carry on.

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Step 10: Insert the support posts. They will form a triangle between the upper posts and the ‘rear’ of the frame. They may be a bit loose, so feel free to use some of the afore mentioned glue.

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Step 11: Insert the Axle through the left hand hole in the front of the frame. Make sure the latch is pushed up so that it doesn’t impede penetration. In the other hole you can slide in the wooden cover, which looks like a small wooden cup. Put some glue on the inside so that it will secure the other end of the axel to it. The Axle must still be able to rotate freely, even when fully inserted.

Note: The other end of the Axle, as in, the one not being glued to the wooden cover, has a metal cog on it. That’s meant to interact with the latch. Later, when you’re winding back the throwing arm, it’s meant to prevent the axle from releasing the tension too early. Have a little play and make sure it works. If you accidentally break the cog off, it should fit back on, and you can always use the glue.

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Step 12: Prevent girlfriend from putting the rope in the wrong way.

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Step 13: Insert Catapult release rope through the axle centre hole. Tie a not at the end that will secure the rope to the axel. Make sure it’s not the weird metal claw-thing on it.

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Step 14: Now for the fun part. The centre rope that’s on the catapult frame should have six strings in it. Separate them in half, and slide the lower end of the ‘spoon’ or ‘throwing arm’ through them. Be careful not to slide too much through, the spoon needs to be able to move without scraping the floor.

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Step 15: The spoon should hold in place, resting in the indent of the lower cross member. If it doesn’t, get someone to hold it. Either way, turn both the left and right metal wheels on the outside of the frame, simultaneously, to increase rope tension. The more you turn, the tighter the two rope clusters should get and the spoon should lift up so that it’s pushing against the upper crossmember. Turn the metal wheels until you can’t anymore, although don’t go crazy – you might tear the ropes.

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Step 16: Grab the metal thing at the other end of the axle rope, and hook it on the top edge of the spoon. Find the little metal rod, and insert it into one of the axle’s other holes, to the side of the main one. Start twisting the axle away from the spoon; this will retract the spoon gradually, with the metal cog on the side stopping the spoon from releasing too early. Rinse and repeat until the spoon is once again resting on the axle.

Note: It’s just as quick to use your hands and rotate the axle manually, instead of using the metal thing. Be careful not to damage the axle cog or accidentally rip it from the wooden cover.

Step 17: Your catapult should now be ready to fire. Put something in it, aim it at your girlfriend while she isn’t looking, and pull on the secondary rope. This will release the metal claw, allowing the spoon to whack forward and fire its payload. Be slightly disappointed at the results – it’s really not that powerful. Contemplate the fact that you spent £110 on this crap, and that the game itself wasn’t as good as it should have been. Pray that the rest of it is better.

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Congratulations! You’ve now assembled yourself a fully working (scaled) Roman Onagertm! You’re now ready to besiege a small sandcastle, and perhaps terrorise the person sitting next to you in the office. Maybe. No refunds.

Serious Business: In all honesty, it’s not a bad CE, all things considered. I still question whether it’s worth £109.99, but the Onager is pretty cool, and makes a great desk ornament. You also get a cloth map of the game-world, and a set of engraved wooden tokens & dice. This can be used to play Tabula, which is an ancient Roman version of Back-Gammon, apparently, (The inside of the box acts as the board), or Tesserae, which is a bit like that game in Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest. You also get a two-player card game called The Punic Wars, which is actually pretty fun to play. As for the game itself… well, they’re already on Patch 1.2, it’s getting better bit by bit, and I have faith that it’ll get there in the end. I’m also quite looking forward to what they do with their DLC plan. Apologies for not having posted in so long! Also, in case it wasn’t clear – I did get this CE myself, with my own money. It wasn’t a freebie.

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Dear Mr. Robinson,

I, your very pixelated yet oddly cute secretary who you may or may not have banged yet, have compiled a detailed report and analysis as to how well your Videogames Development CompanyDigitalX Media, has performed over the past 160 minutes twenty years:

Capital: $216,121.2k (upon close of year 20)

Highest Selling Title: Samurai Online 2 – 20,007,093

Highest Rating: ShinobiX3 (37 points) & Medieval Wars 2 (37 points)

Awards

Best Design: Lost Count, Consistently won over the last five years at least
Best Music: Lost Count, Consistently won over the last five years at least
Worst Game: Never
Runner Up: Lost Count, Consistently won over the last five years at least
Grand Prize: Once – Year 20 – Medieval Wars 3

Console: The Xplayer – 32-bit Chip, DVD-Rom Drive – sold 9230K units and currently holds 10% of the market share.

Total Staff Salary: $2,6557.9K per annum

Staff: Two Directors, a Producer, a Designer, a Writer, a Sound Engineer, a Hacker and a Hardware Engineer

May I just be the first to congratulate you sir on getting through your first 160 minutes twenty years of business. DigitalX Media has flourished over your wise and oddly precognisant reign. It’s almost as if you knew certain things were going to happen before they happened. Perhaps you owned a videogames company in another life or something. To think, it all started with that PC game that I can’t even remember the name of anymore, because clearly the PC no longer matters as a platform and we should just keep churning out random console games to get sales.

Also, congratulations on winning the Grand Prize award before your best friend from back home, may your bragging be as epic as your game making skills.

Now, since you’re inexplicably closing down your business for reasons that defy logic and even sanity, I best go find another malible wise business owner whom I can tell what to do assist.

Yours Faithfully,

Secretary #1

SRSLY?

Posted: September 27, 2011 in Gaming, Humorous, Non-Gaming, Other, Writing/Journalism
Tags: , , , , ,

And today’s stupidity is sponsored by: ITV.

I weep for the mainstream media sometimes, I really do – sure, on the one hand at least they’re not blaming videogames for Gaddaffi’s alleged support of the IRA, but using videogame footage and labelling it as real? SRSLY guys? And they say us game journos have a problem with standards.This was brought to my attention by the good folks over at PC Gamer, but here’s the link to the NEOGaf forum thread, outlining just how idiotic ITV really are.

Now, in fairness, I’m not 100% sure this is ArmA II footage – the original fan video is actually the worst fan-made video I’ve ever seen, and there’s something about the footage itself that just seems… off. I’m not saying it IS IRA footage, but it doesn’t quite look like game footage either. Obviously, the comments are full of people arguing both sides, but I think it’s safe enough to say that it’s not an original 1988 IRA video.

Unless it is, then I retract this whole post. Anyway, here’s the video so you can see for yourself:

 

 

 

Dear Reader,

In acknowledgement of the fact that Joe sucks balls, the management has implemented an emergency measure to rectify the situation.

In future occurences where Joe is unable to entertain you himself – either due to lack of inspiration or overwhelming workload (or laziness), links will be provided to reputable establishments so they can entertain you on his behalf. This policy shall be put into place effective immediately.

As such, today’s winner of the internet can be found here. We recommend you start with this article, please enjoy.

Regards,

The Management
Digital Eccentric

And here’s some Transformers-themed political humour from 2008, which relates to the title of Sunday’s post. I was going to include these originally but I forgot, so here it is:

Combination of these two posters was combined into this:

It’s odd, because I actually saw this The Sun front page and the Prime poster first, but I think it was actually created for Obama’s 2008 election posters instead. The two are visually similar though, so it’s easy to transfer over. Apparently they’ve made merchandise out of it now.

Hehe.

So, by now I’m sure most of you have read up on the latest announcement from Sony regarding the recent PSN outages. Not what you really want to hear, is it? To be honest though, whilst I get that this is a big deal, I’ve kind of adopted a bit of a naive disinterest – I mean out of the millions upon millions of people’s data that these hackers may or may not taken, what’s the likely hood they’re going to get to mine? Just thinking about it in terms of odds really.

Still, I’m not so much of an idiot that I’m going to do nothing… I’m just not going to do anything about it right now. I’ll change my passwords when it’s all back online… keep an eye on my bank account (I’m changing accounts anyway, so it doesn’t really matter too much now) etc…

What’s really kind of sad though is that I doubt Sony will even lose that much business from this. People have very short memories, and consumers aren’t exactly known for possessing principles. Or a spine. No… Either people won’t be affected at all in the end, and so will just go back to it, or they’ll all forget in a week, and we’ll be back where we were before this happened.

On the bright side, this incident has brought back some more Downfall clips. Downfall – which is actually a really good film about Hitler’s last days that you should go watch – has spawned one of my favourite memes where people take the same clip, and just dub their own text over it. Here are the PSN ones:

I swear, these will never get old. EVER.